Well, here I am. Alive. Blessed. Praise the Lord.
These past two weeks have by far been the most challenging since I came to St. John’s. I had a paper on the Ethics due last week and, in the midst of writing that, I was assigned a paper on ratios due before I left for break. The first was about six pages and the last was about ten. But the ten page paper, I think, would be more comparable to a fifteen page paper, simply because I had about 1500 words in these massive, sprawling footnotes. Overall, I’m glad I was able to write it. But on the other hand, I had to stop myself on the mathematics paper because it was damaging my health; I ended with, “I have nothing to add to Euclid’s definition of proportionality, nor do I have the stamina to pursue this investigation any further at this time.” I’ve noted that my tutors typically are not looking for an impressive, show-stopping ending.
I spent many late nights working on that paper along with my other work. I’m more tired now than I’ve ever been at school. Last night in seminar I spoke about three or four times briefly. I was zonked. I am zonked. I didn’t sleep much last night. I went in to talk to Jesse and help him with his paper if I could. I stayed up until about four o’clock, and then slept while sitting on his bed until seven as he finished packing and typing his paper. He beat my page count.
I don’t know if anyone will care to read my ratio paper. It’s a bit dry. And it’s also, I think, difficult for someone unfamiliar with the texts and unfamiliar with my conversations with my tutor to understand what processes I’m going through. It’s “disorganized,” as my sister put it. The assignment was to write about ratios, demonstrating my understanding of them along with magnitude and number from Euclid’ Elements. And furthermore, my tutor has personally encouraged me to delve into the language and reasoning of the authors that I’m reading; instead of only forming opinions about what they’ve said in the context of my life, to also try to grasp their meaning in the context of the book itself. There’s more than my opinion in each of these books that I study, and it’s a good practice to train myself to think that others have a different way of viewing the world.
It’s an important skill to train I think. The things people tell me may not jive with my experiences, but it’s important to try to understand what they mean to say for themselves concerning their own experiences. With people (more than books) this understanding has an end, I think, in compassion and love. How can I love someone if I refuse to hear his thoughts? How can I speak into his life if I won’t let him speak into mine? Delving into the thoughts of these books is only a practice for delving into the thoughts of my peers and the people today who have ideas and crave someone who will listen.
Anyway, on another topic, I leave tomorrow at nine o’clock for BWI, and (God willing) I’ll arrive in Rochester at about noon. Today will be spent relaxing, for the most part. I need to mail out my tax forms and go to the bank. I’ll also do some dancing today instead of running. Beyond that, I’ll simply be, as they say, a “Room Johnny.” I need to clean my room anyway, and I haven’t watched a movie in a while. Ethan left for a drill already, so I have this big space to myself. I may watch Star Wars IV or maybe I’ll do some reading. Reading. I enjoy reading much more now than I ever have, but I don’t do nearly as much reading as some of my peers here. Over break I want to read John, Luke, and Acts, and my seminar assignment, which is Plato’s Timaeus. Hopefully I’ll also do some writing for my Freshman Essay. I have a busy time set ahead of me.
Now I’m listening to one of my favorite songs by Jason Upton called “Whistle in Your Will”—eleven minutes of quiet, simple, spontaneous, prayerful song. Lovely. Toward the end, after a long time of quiet guitar, he stars praying,
God is good. If you think of it, pray for me as I travel home. Thank y’all for praying so much. It’s apparent to me each day that God is merciful and that His goodness and kindness are following me all the days of my life. Praise the Lord.
These past two weeks have by far been the most challenging since I came to St. John’s. I had a paper on the Ethics due last week and, in the midst of writing that, I was assigned a paper on ratios due before I left for break. The first was about six pages and the last was about ten. But the ten page paper, I think, would be more comparable to a fifteen page paper, simply because I had about 1500 words in these massive, sprawling footnotes. Overall, I’m glad I was able to write it. But on the other hand, I had to stop myself on the mathematics paper because it was damaging my health; I ended with, “I have nothing to add to Euclid’s definition of proportionality, nor do I have the stamina to pursue this investigation any further at this time.” I’ve noted that my tutors typically are not looking for an impressive, show-stopping ending.
I spent many late nights working on that paper along with my other work. I’m more tired now than I’ve ever been at school. Last night in seminar I spoke about three or four times briefly. I was zonked. I am zonked. I didn’t sleep much last night. I went in to talk to Jesse and help him with his paper if I could. I stayed up until about four o’clock, and then slept while sitting on his bed until seven as he finished packing and typing his paper. He beat my page count.
I don’t know if anyone will care to read my ratio paper. It’s a bit dry. And it’s also, I think, difficult for someone unfamiliar with the texts and unfamiliar with my conversations with my tutor to understand what processes I’m going through. It’s “disorganized,” as my sister put it. The assignment was to write about ratios, demonstrating my understanding of them along with magnitude and number from Euclid’ Elements. And furthermore, my tutor has personally encouraged me to delve into the language and reasoning of the authors that I’m reading; instead of only forming opinions about what they’ve said in the context of my life, to also try to grasp their meaning in the context of the book itself. There’s more than my opinion in each of these books that I study, and it’s a good practice to train myself to think that others have a different way of viewing the world.
It’s an important skill to train I think. The things people tell me may not jive with my experiences, but it’s important to try to understand what they mean to say for themselves concerning their own experiences. With people (more than books) this understanding has an end, I think, in compassion and love. How can I love someone if I refuse to hear his thoughts? How can I speak into his life if I won’t let him speak into mine? Delving into the thoughts of these books is only a practice for delving into the thoughts of my peers and the people today who have ideas and crave someone who will listen.
Anyway, on another topic, I leave tomorrow at nine o’clock for BWI, and (God willing) I’ll arrive in Rochester at about noon. Today will be spent relaxing, for the most part. I need to mail out my tax forms and go to the bank. I’ll also do some dancing today instead of running. Beyond that, I’ll simply be, as they say, a “Room Johnny.” I need to clean my room anyway, and I haven’t watched a movie in a while. Ethan left for a drill already, so I have this big space to myself. I may watch Star Wars IV or maybe I’ll do some reading. Reading. I enjoy reading much more now than I ever have, but I don’t do nearly as much reading as some of my peers here. Over break I want to read John, Luke, and Acts, and my seminar assignment, which is Plato’s Timaeus. Hopefully I’ll also do some writing for my Freshman Essay. I have a busy time set ahead of me.
Now I’m listening to one of my favorite songs by Jason Upton called “Whistle in Your Will”—eleven minutes of quiet, simple, spontaneous, prayerful song. Lovely. Toward the end, after a long time of quiet guitar, he stars praying,
Rise, O God, and break off that man-pleasing spirit.The entirety of his Dying Star album is about breaking off the selfish, man-pleasing, idolatrous mindset that tries to divert our attention from God. And when I write about idols I mean anything in the world that takes priority over God; Jason also sings about that in his “Will of God”:
…
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
The fear of the Lord!
…
Break off that man-pleasing spirit,
That spirit that leads us into foolishness,
That spirit that leads us into foolish ways.
…
Open our ears, O God,
Open up our ears to hear You sing over us, to hear Your whistle,
O God!
The world my think I’m crazy when I don’t run with them,Ultimately, though, we need God to come and rescue us from our idolatry. It’s impossible to cast idolatry aside if we’re not rushing in the same instance to embrace the will of God. Let me write that again: there is no possible way to be free from idolatry if I don’t choose God as my freedom. If we don’t turn to God from our idols, we’re only turning to more idols—trading shackles for shackles. But God’s yoke is easy and fits perfectly, and his burden is light, and the “shackles” of His kingdom are bonds of peace and conviction of the Holy Spirit.
But it’s just plain idolatry when God can’t have all of me.
God is good. If you think of it, pray for me as I travel home. Thank y’all for praying so much. It’s apparent to me each day that God is merciful and that His goodness and kindness are following me all the days of my life. Praise the Lord.
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